After a series of failed relationships a few years ago I turned to my Dad for
advice, not because I was left heartbroken but because “I canʼt figure you out” was the
most common verbal nail in the coffin that ended whatever relationship there was left. I
needed some sort of clarification. Was it some kind of Hilton mystique I was gifted with
or was it something deeper? After a long talk my Dad ended with, “when your mom
died there is probably a very real fear instilled in you that the important woman in your
life will disappear. It makes sense that you hesitate to let girls in.” I began to think
about the major female figures in my life, and how the majority of those relationships.(be
it an aunt, grandma, or a potential mom replacement) all ended with death or distance.
Since then I have come to terms with my trust issues, and have mostly become
comfortable with them. That acceptance however has left me in a twisted purgatory of
sorts. My comfort zone usually develops an expiration date around the twelve hour
mark and any hopes of a serious relationship usually fall victim to my own subconscious
sabotage.
The ensuing consequence is a perpetual failed attempt at rebuilding trust. Under
a curtain of cigarettes, alcohol, and a humorous lack of self restraint; I welcome women
into my life, but with a hangover and an awkward morning I realize that Iʼm not quite as
available as I thought the previous night. As the physical manifests the emotional the
personality of these girls becomes irrelevant. With the morning, and the nearing
expiration date, the walls come back up and I find myself haunted by another road not
taken.
